An Excerpt from
Holy Revelations
Grace Chan
published in Unquiet Spirits: Essays by Asian Women in Horror
“He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God.”
John 8:47, New International Version
On a still summer’s night, the Holy Spirit descends. A campsite scattered with wooden cabins, surrounded by a whispering fringe of Australian natives. Amped-down electric guitars, casting wistful chords from the windows of the community hall. Within, it’s dark. Only the multicoloured spots from a cheap disco light whirl over upturned faces. A forest of teenagers, straining towards heaven.
The youth pastor torrents with prayer. The hall swells with amens. The shadows imbue me with rare confidence. I raise my arms a little higher, my hands almost level with my shoulders, reaching for absolution, for communion. I beg to feel, like the others, what I am supposed to feel—or even a humble portion, just enough to be deserving.
The girl in front of me has one arm high above her head. Her other hand is clutched to her chest. I know her. Not well, but we’ve both been in this church since we were toddlers. She’s two years my junior. She sways harder, side to side. Her whole body starts to shake. A strange muttering flows from her lips.
Just as she bends into a Z, two youth group leaders rush forward and gently lower her to the floor. I see her mouth, still moving frenetically with spiritual tongues. Her limbs twitch against the scratchy carpet. Her eyes are squeezed shut in her pale and glistening face—her expression twisted in beatific passion, in virtuous and desired possession.
I, too, yearned for this overwhelming consumption. It seemed to be granted to others but not to me, and I wondered what I was lacking. I did everything the same as them. I’d attended Sunday services with my family since before I could even remember. I performed devotional time, most days—reading the Bible, praying, journaling. I even dragged myself to Bible Study Fellowship, an evening class divided by age groups, for the most Christianly of Christians. Therefore, the problem must be something internal: some intensity of faith I had yet to attain; a relinquishing of the ego I had yet to realise…
Read the rest of this essay and many more in unquiet spirits
Grace Chan 